This is a depressing post. Proceed with caution.

I am executing this week's post like how I would a personal diary. This week felt like war for most of it, and it's probably not a great idea to use the internet to vent, but this is the closest I can get to a safe space.

I've lost the only group of people I thought I could count on this week because of how I act. I've had the biggest wake-up call slap me in the face: I'm a controlling, self-centered, bully.

I feel like it could have been said in a better way, because all this week I've felt myself spiraling. Just last night I was sitting in my bathtub debating on if I should down the entire bottle of painkillers I have in my cabinet. I know I can be these things sometimes, and I know I have a hard time apologizing, but there's a way to say these things to someone without triggering a mid-life crisis. Because right now, even while making this blog, I feel like an honest to god, horrible person who doesn't deserve happiness.

I'm still a person who has dreams and goals and a life that I wanna live, but after this week...I don't know anymore.

I am well aware of the fact that I need a therapist; my last one never answered any of my emails and pretty much ghosted me.

And it's not the first time they've felt this way, either. I've been pushing them away since I joined 2 years ago. I guess I was easier to handle because they had the club and K, but now that everything is in literal shambles, I'm too much for them.

I tried talking to them because on my end it felt like I wasn't being heard anytime I've asked for help, but it turns out they just don't want to help me. I've had something plan for our club for the longest time, and I had to make the decision to not go through with it because I need to leave the club behind. It's better for everyone involved if I just back off, because if I don't, I fear I might just push them away even more.

What hurts the most, though, is I no longer have a set support group. I loved Mr. K. I wouldn't be lying if I said that he's the reason why I'm at where I am now. They loved him, too, and the same thing goes for them.

It's my fault that I'm going through this alone, now. It's my fault that I had to step back from the one thing that bought me joy at school.

It's my fault that I'm feeling the way that I am, now.

We live in a society where if you're the red flag, and you're feeling like this and talking about it, it's manipulative and it's what you deserve. Saying that and believing that is invalidating their emotions. You don't know what happened to them that caused them to lash out the way that they do.

And the position that I'm in right now? I do not wish upon my worst enemy.

I need to get diagnosed, because I know in my gut I'm going to be feeling like this for a long while. It's hard to look at the positives when all I'm feeling is negative.